How to Support the Adopted and Foster Care Kids in Your Life
If you’re reading this, chances are you care about an adopted or foster care child. Maybe you’re an adoptive parent navigating the ups and downs of parenting a child with a complex history. Perhaps you’re a teacher noticing one of your students struggling with identity or emotions that seem bigger than the moment. Or maybe you’re a social worker, coach, or mentor wondering how to best support a child who has been through foster care or adoption.
No matter your role, you have the power to make a difference. But to truly support these kids, we need to understand the deeper layers of their experience—especially the parts that aren’t always visible on the surface.
Adoption and Foster Care Trauma: What Many People Miss
A lot of people assume that if a child was adopted at birth, they “won’t remember” or be affected by it. But science and lived experience tell a different story. The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) and other experts emphasize that even when adoption happens at birth, it creates a pre-verbal trauma known as the primal wound. This refers to the deep, subconscious loss an infant experiences when separated from their biological mother. Because babies are wired for connection, especially to the person who carried them for nine months, this loss can trigger feelings of abandonment, mistrust, and identity confusion—even if they can’t put it into words.
For kids who have been in foster care, these feelings are often magnified by multiple placements, instability, and sometimes traumatic early experiences. They may struggle with trust, self-worth, and forming relationships.
The good news? While we can’t erase their past, we can create safe, supportive spaces for them to heal and thrive.
Ways to Support Adopted and Foster Care Kids
1. Help Them Explore Their Identity
Many adopted and foster care kids wrestle with questions like:
"Who am I?"
"Where do I belong?"
"Why did this happen to me?"
Identity formation is a lifelong process, but for adoptees—especially those in transracial placements—it can be even more complex. When a child is adopted into a family of a different race or culture, they may feel disconnected from their heritage. It’s crucial to help them maintain cultural ties so they don’t feel like an outsider in their own identity.
Ways you can support them:
Encourage open conversations about their story. Let them ask questions without fear of judgment.
Validate their feelings—even if you don’t have all the answers, acknowledging their emotions can be healing.
Make cultural connections a priority. Learn about their heritage, celebrate traditions, and surround them with role models who share their background. This could mean attending cultural events, joining community groups, or even ensuring they have dolls, books, and media that reflect their racial identity.
Find mentors and peers who share their background. Being around others who understand their lived experience can be empowering. Look for affinity groups, cultural camps, or online communities where they can connect.
Educate yourself about racial identity and bias. If you’re a parent in a transracial adoption, your child will experience the world differently than you do. It’s essential to acknowledge that reality and prepare them for challenges while affirming their worth.
Adoptees in transracial placements often feel like they live between two worlds—embracing their adoptive family while trying to stay connected to their roots. Your support in honoring both can help them feel whole.
2. Acknowledge Loss & Abandonment Feelings Without Trying to "Fix" Them
Even in the best adoptive or foster situations, there is loss. It’s not about blaming anyone—it’s about recognizing that loss and love can exist at the same time.
Ways to support a child through this:
Let them grieve. Some kids might feel guilty for being sad about their birth family while loving their adoptive family. Reassure them that both emotions are valid.
Be patient. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Some days might be harder than others, and that’s okay.
Encourage creative outlets like journaling, music, art, or play therapy to express their feelings.
3. Build Trust Through Consistency
Many adopted and foster care kids have experienced broken trust—whether through separation, neglect, or multiple placements. They may not trust easily, and that’s not personal; it’s protective.
Ways you can build trust:
Be consistent—show up, keep your word, and create predictable routines.
Give them choices—letting them make small decisions (like what to wear or what book to read) helps them feel a sense of control.
Use “connect before correct”—when they act out, try to understand why before jumping to discipline. Often, big behaviors come from big emotions.
4. Advocate for Trauma-Informed Support
If you’re a teacher, social worker, or community leader, you can help by pushing for more trauma-informed practices in schools and programs. Kids who have experienced adoption or foster care often struggle with emotional regulation, attachment, and learning differences.
Train staff on how trauma impacts brain development and behavior.
Create “safe spaces” in classrooms where kids can take a break if they’re feeling overwhelmed.
Work with therapists or adoption-competent professionals who understand the unique needs of these kids. C.A.S.E. and The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) have great resources for professionals.
Final Thoughts: Your Support Matters
Adopted and foster care kids don’t need perfection—they need presence. They need adults who are willing to listen, validate, and walk alongside them in their journey. Your role, whether big or small, can be a source of healing.
If you’re looking for more tools to support the adopted or foster care kids in your life, check out resources from:
✅ The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.)
✅ The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN)
✅ Creating a Family
And if you want guidance on how to support these kids emotionally, I’d love to connect. Let’s help them build trust, confidence, and a strong sense of self—because they deserve nothing less.