Healing Attachments: Understanding the Science Behind Pair Bonding in Human Relationships

Pair bonding is a term used in biology and psychology to describe the strong emotional connection that forms between two individuals. This bond is often observed in monogamous species, including humans.

In human relationships, pair bonding is the emotional connection that develops between partners. It involves feelings of attachment, trust, and a sense of security.

Increasing pair bonding involves fostering emotional connections and deepening the sense of intimacy between individuals.

By understanding different hormones like vasopressin and oxytocin, you can see why your brain acts the way it does. That can help in your journey to heal your attachment and undo the loneliness that broken attachment has caused.

Let's first take a look at a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is what binds you to other people when you feel comfortable in good situations. Situations like, when you're happy, when you're hugging, when you're holding hands, when you're snuggling under a blanket, or when you're taking a quiet walk together. Oxytocin is also the hormone that a mother produces when she holds her baby, when she breastfeeds, and when she hears her baby cry. Oxytocin is also produced in the baby. It helps bond the baby to her mother. Most women bond through oxytocin bonding activities because they have more oxytocin bonding receptors. One interesting fact is that, if we were not exposed to the oxytocin from our mothers as infants, we may not have as many oxytocin receptors in our body as someone who was exposed to the oxytocin as an infant. Therefore, our body will adapt those receptors to pick up the hormone vasopressin instead. That is why many female adoptees actually bond better through vasopressin bonding activities then they do oxytocin bonding activities.

The other bonding hormone is called vasopressin. It is the hormone that bonds people together during stress - when you are solving problems together, when you are overcoming challenges together and when you endure trials together. What does vasopressin bonding look like? When men go to war and start fighting, killing and surviving together, they experience the vasopressin bonding. This is why in movies like Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan, even if they despise each other at the start, they begin forming lifelong bonds, like we see with war veterans.

Vasopressin exists in much higher levels in men than it does in women which is why men bond together over hunting, watching sports, working on a project together or team building. Some other activities that help with vasopressin bonding are building things. Start with something small like maybe a birdhouse or put together a kit of some kind together, jigsaw puzzle, restore a piece of furniture, small home improvement projects or gardening projects are another good way to bond. Always remember to talk about the fact that you are working together to get it done. Giving each other a high-five is another great way to solidify the fact that you are working together as a team. Look for an activity that causes a bit of stress but not so much stress that you would be yelling at each other. In order for vasopressin bonding to occur both parties have to have the understanding that you are accomplishing something that matters to both of you and you both are involved and helping each other. That's where the high fiving or encouraging words are important here.  

So, taking a walk and holding hands would flood a woman with oxytocin, it probably does nothing for her husband. Most men would bond more through team building, going camping, playing competitive games or even cooperative games together, working on a project or taking a class.  The hormone vasopressin is also related to protecting your loved ones, it makes a person more defensive and protective of their family.

10 Steps to a better relationship

1.    Quality Time: Spend quality time together regularly. Whether it's through shared activities, watching something together at the movies or on TV, seeing a concert or live music, play games, plan a vacation or day trip together.

 2.    Shared Goals: Collaborate on setting and achieving common goals. Working towards shared objectives fosters a sense of partnership and unity.

 3.    Create Rituals: Establish rituals or routines that are unique to your relationship. This could be a weekly movie night, a special meal, or any activity that becomes a shared tradition.

 4.    Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate each other's successes, both big and small. Sharing in each other's triumphs builds a positive and supportive atmosphere.

 5.    Practice Gratitude: Express gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship. Focusing on the things you appreciate about your partner fosters a positive emotional connection.

  6.   Revisit Happy Memories: Reminisce about the positive experiences you've shared. Nostalgia can evoke positive emotions and reinforce the bond between partners.

 7.  Couples Activities: Engage in activities designed for couples, such as workshops, classes, or hobbies. Learning and growing together can be a fulfilling and bonding experience. Can you think of any activities you would like to engage in?

 8.  Surprises and Spontaneity: Infuse your relationship with surprises and spontaneity. This can range from small surprises like notes or thoughtful gestures to more significant spontaneous adventures.

9.   Express Affection: Physical touch, verbal affirmations, and small gestures of affection contribute to a sense of closeness. Express love and appreciation regularly.

10. Nonsexual touching: One thing that has been very helpful for many of my clients is nonsexual touch.  Many people have not truly connected with their partners because of the lack of mother baby bonding at birth and shortly thereafter.  Spending a couple evening a week before you go to sleep, for 15-30 minutes, engaging in nonsexual touch has shown to not only improve relationships between partners, but there is an increase in satisfaction in all relationships.  The rules are: lay without clothing, no talk about sex and no sexual touching.  Touching arms, back, face, anywhere you don’t feel that it is sexual. 

I realize that pair bonding is very vulnerable. But remember nothing changes unless we take big steps to do something different than what we're currently doing. If you try some of the pair-bonding activities, comment and let me know how it went!