Holidays and Heartaches: Supporting Adoptees and Kids in Foster Care Through the Season

The holiday season – often thought of as “the most wonderful time of the year” – can be filled with mixed emotions for many adoptees and children in foster care. While there’s a lot of joy, traditions, and celebration, there’s also a shadow side to the holidays that not everyone sees. When your life story includes adoption or foster care, those festive family gatherings, traditions, and expectations can bring up a whole mix of feelings that don’t always feel like a holiday cheer.

Why Holidays Are Hard for Adoptees and Kids in Foster Care

For adoptees, especially those who are still processing their feelings about being adopted, holidays can bring reminders of the family they’re not with – their birth family. Even if their adoptive family is warm and supportive, the absence of biological relatives can feel more present during this season, with family gatherings and references to "being home for the holidays."

Children in foster care, too, often face complicated emotions. They may feel like guests in their foster homes, unsure of their place in the family traditions or feeling anxious about their futures. For these kids, holiday gatherings can highlight their lack of permanence and stability, which can bring feelings of loneliness, confusion, or even grief.

According to the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE), these feelings are common for kids who’ve been through adoption or foster care. CASE notes that the holidays can heighten feelings of loss, grief, and anxiety. So, even when everyone around them seems happy and excited, kids from adoption and foster backgrounds might be experiencing a lot of internal stress. They’re processing complicated feelings in a season meant to be “perfect” – which can feel incredibly isolating.

Tips for Parents to Make Holidays Easier

The good news? There’s a lot that parents can do to support their child through these complex holiday emotions. A little understanding, some proactive planning, and open-hearted conversations can go a long way.

1. Acknowledge and Normalize Their Feelings

Let your child know that whatever they’re feeling is okay. They don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time or keep their struggles to themselves. Acknowledging their feelings gives them permission to process what’s going on inside and assures them that they’re not alone. You can even say something like, “I know holidays can bring up a lot of different feelings. It’s okay if you’re feeling more than just excitement.”

2. Create New Traditions Together

Building unique family traditions can help give your child a sense of belonging and make them feel like they’re an active part of the family. Maybe it’s making a specific recipe together, decorating a tree, or volunteering somewhere meaningful. Whatever you choose, creating special family rituals together can help your child feel more included and valued.

3. Encourage Open Conversations About Birth Families

It’s not unusual for adopted kids or children in foster care to think about their birth families more during the holidays. CASE suggests creating space for those thoughts and conversations. Let them know it’s okay to talk about their birth family or share any memories or traditions. You might even consider creating a small tradition that honors their birth family in some way, like lighting a candle making them a homemade card or gift.

4. Plan for Downtime

Holiday gatherings and events can be overwhelming, especially if they involve extended family. Give your child some downtime, whether that’s a quiet space they can go to when things get too loud, or planning in a break between gatherings. Having a little breathing room can go a long way in making the season feel manageable.

5. Watch for Signs of Overwhelm

CASE notes that some kids may not openly express how they’re feeling, but it can still come out in other ways – mood changes, changes in behavior, or even physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches. Keep an eye out for these signs and check in with your child. A gentle “How are you feeling today?” can give them a chance to open up, even if they’re not sure how to start the conversation.

6. Take a Moment for Reflection as a Family

A simple family reflection activity, like talking about what you’re all grateful for or sharing a favorite memory from the past year, can help create a safe space for everyone to express themselves. For kids who have experienced loss, it’s especially meaningful to feel included in a conversation where they can share honestly.

Letting Go of “Perfect” Holiday Expectations

For many parents, there’s a lot of pressure to create the “perfect” holiday. But for adopted kids or those in foster care, letting go of perfection might be the best gift of all. It’s okay if the holidays look a little different for your family, and it’s okay if your child has a range of feelings about it. Supporting them through the season with flexibility, empathy, and understanding is what will truly make it memorable.

The holidays might never be entirely free from challenges, but with a little thoughtfulness and compassion, you can make them feel a little lighter and more welcoming. Embracing those moments of connection and creating space for each person’s journey – that’s the real magic of the season.

If you need support this holiday season, schedule a free chat and see how we can work together to make your holidays bright.