The Truth About Adoption Trauma: How Adoptees Can Heal
Adoption is often framed as a beautiful, selfless act—a way to give a child a loving home and provide parents the joy of raising a family. While this can be true, there's a side of adoption that gets less attention—the trauma. Yes, trauma. It’s a word many adoptees may shy away from, but the truth is, adoption leaves an imprint on the heart and mind of adoptees that can last a lifetime. That’s what I want to dive into today. We’re going to explore what adoption trauma really is and, more importantly, how adoptees can begin to heal.
What is Adoption Trauma?
Adoption trauma stems from the primal experience of separation. No matter how wonderful the adoptive family may be, the loss of the biological connection is significant. For adoptees, being separated from their birth parents is often the first experience of abandonment. This isn’t about blaming anyone. It's simply acknowledging that the first separation creates a wound, often referred to as the primal wound—a term coined by Nancy Verrier in her groundbreaking book on the subject.
The primal wound suggests that adoptees experience a deep emotional and psychological trauma from the severing of that mother-child bond. This bond starts in the womb, where the child is biologically and emotionally connected to the birth mother. When adoption occurs, that connection is disrupted, leaving the adoptee with feelings of loss, abandonment, and confusion that can surface throughout their life.
How Does Adoption Trauma Show Up?
Adoption trauma doesn’t show up in the same way for every adoptee. For some, it’s a subtle undercurrent of anxiety or fear of abandonment, while for others, it can manifest as depression, anger, or self-worth issues. Here's a breakdown of some common ways adoptees experience trauma:
Fear of Rejection: A lot of adoptees live with an underlying fear of being rejected by others—whether that’s from their adoptive parents, biological family, friends, or partners. It’s the feeling that if they weren’t "wanted" by their birth parents, maybe they aren’t truly wanted anywhere.
Identity Struggles: Many adoptees struggle to form a clear sense of identity. Questions like “Who am I?” or “Where do I come from?” can feel impossible to answer when biological roots are missing. It can also feel like you’re stuck in limbo, straddling two worlds—biological and adoptive.
Trust Issues: Trusting others can be difficult when your earliest experience involved a break in a primary relationship. Adoptees might question whether others will truly stick around, leading to walls being built and relationships being sabotaged out of fear.
Self-Worth Issues: Feelings of unworthiness are common. That nagging thought of “If my birth parents didn’t want me, maybe I’m not worthy of love” can eat away at adoptees over time, leading to self-sabotaging behaviors or settling for less than they deserve in relationships and life.
Perfectionism: Some adoptees may develop perfectionist tendencies, feeling like they have to be "perfect" to avoid being abandoned again. This constant pressure can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a deep sense of never being enough.
Why We Don’t Talk About It Enough
One of the hardest parts of adoption trauma is that it’s often invalidated. As an adoptee, you may have been told, “But you were adopted by such a great family!” or “You should be grateful!” While these comments are usually well-meaning, they dismiss the complex emotions that come with adoption. You can be both grateful for your adoptive family and still experience deep pain from being separated from your biological roots. These feelings aren’t mutually exclusive, and it’s crucial to honor both parts of the story.
Adoption trauma isn’t about blame—it’s about acknowledgment. Acknowledging the loss, the pain, and the impact it has had on your life. And once we acknowledge it, we can begin to heal.
How Can Adoptees Heal?
Healing from adoption trauma is a journey, not a destination. There’s no magic fix, but there are steps adoptees can take to start reclaiming their sense of self and finding peace. Here are five ways to begin healing:
1. Acknowledge the Trauma
The first step in healing is simply recognizing that the trauma exists. If you’ve spent your life pushing down feelings of loss or invalidating your own pain, it’s time to give yourself permission to feel. Acknowledge that what you went through was difficult and that it has left a lasting impact.
You don’t need to feel guilty about your pain. It’s okay to be both grateful for your adoptive family and to grieve the loss of your biological one. This is your truth, and you have the right to feel everything that comes with it.
2. Find a Community
Connecting with other adoptees who understand your experience can be incredibly healing. When you find people who "get it," you’ll realize that you’re not alone in your feelings or struggles. It’s comforting to know that others have walked the same path and have found ways to thrive despite their trauma.
If you're looking for a supportive space, consider joining a community like Adoptees Healing Hub, where adoptees come together to share their journeys, support one another, and focus on healing. Being part of a group where your experiences are validated can be a powerful part of your healing journey.
3. Embrace Your Story
For many adoptees, there’s a sense of shame or secrecy surrounding their adoption story. You might feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to fit in or to avoid being judged. But healing comes when you embrace your story fully.
Your adoption story is part of who you are, but it doesn’t define you. You are more than the circumstances of your birth or your adoption. As you begin to own your story, you’ll start to reclaim your power and see yourself as whole.
4. Do Inner Child Work
Inner child work can be transformative for adoptees. Many of the wounds we carry as adults stem from unmet needs and unprocessed emotions from our childhood. By connecting with your inner child, you can begin to heal those old wounds and give yourself the love and validation you may not have received in the past.
Take time to nurture that younger version of yourself. Acknowledge their pain, fears, and longings. Through inner child work, you can start to reparent yourself and provide the safety and love that your inner child desperately needed.
5. Seek Therapy or Coaching
Working with a therapist or coach who specializes in adoption trauma can provide invaluable support on your healing journey. A professional can help you navigate the complex emotions that come with being an adoptee, guide you through healing practices, and offer tools to cope with triggers.
Whether it’s coaching, therapy, breathwork, Havening, or another healing modality, investing in your mental and emotional health is key. You don’t have to do this alone. Having someone to walk alongside you can make all the difference.
Moving Forward: Rewriting Your Narrative
The truth about adoption trauma is that it’s real, but it doesn’t have to define your future. Healing is possible. It starts with acknowledging the pain, finding the right support, and committing to your own growth. As adoptees, we may have been handed a story of loss and separation, but we have the power to rewrite that narrative into one of healing, connection, and self-love.
The road to healing isn’t linear. There will be ups and downs, moments of clarity, and moments of confusion. But every step you take towards healing is a step towards freedom—freedom from the weight of the past and freedom to create the life you want.
As you continue to unravel your adoption journey, remember this: You are worthy. You are whole. You are enough.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, I invite you to explore the resources available through the Facebook Group Adoptees Healing Hub or consider working one-on-one with me to dive deeper into your unique story and healing process. Healing is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn how you can work with me HERE.