Throughout their lives, adoptees and those who have spent time in Foster Care can get “stuck” in their emotional development. Let’s take a look at the areas that can be problematic.

1.    The reason for adoption. In our teen years we start to think about who we are and who we will become. It is the time where most adoptees begin to think about the termination of their birth parent’s parental rights or the voluntary relinquishment of rights. Questions we begin to ask, why was I given away? Why didn't my parents fight to keep me? Why did my parents mistreat me? Why did I end up in foster care? Wasn't there anyone in my family who would take me? Is there something wrong with me?

2.    Missing or difficult information. As the adoptee begins to try to make sense of their story, they are faced with hard facts and realities. Their history may include parental abuse, neglect, or abandonment. It may also include mental illness of a parent, parental incarceration, substance abuse, or criminal activity of a parent or caregiver. For many adoptees there is little or no information at all creating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness as they chart the journey of identity development.

 3.    Difference. The fact of their adoption makes them feel different, especially if they do not know other teens who are adopted. Teens like to feel that they are like their peers, to belong, and to not stand out as being different.

4.    Identity. How can I figure out who I am if I don't know where I come from? They must figure out their similarities to their parents who raised them, and how their birth family contributes to who they are while also recognizing their own unique qualities period.

When there's unanswered questions about the birth family a fantasy birth parent made develop in adolescence. This fantasy fills in the missing information with an imagined story. The fantasy birth parent may have positive or negative attributes, but this fantasy can be a powerful influence on the youth struggle to determine their own identity.

5.    Loyalty. An adoptee may struggle with conflicting loyalties. While they may want to know more about their birth family, and may even want to search for them, they may be afraid of hurting their adoptive parents’ feelings. This may cause feelings of guilt and create a sense of isolation if they cannot openly have conversations with their parents.

6.    Permanence. Many adaptees have insecurity about the permanence of their relationship with their adoptive parents. The insecurity can stem from the many losses and they may fear losing yet another family.

 If you find yourself identifying with any of these challenging situations or have a foster or adopted child who does, allow me to assist you in delving into them.

Ready to dive deeper into your journey as an adoptee? Download our FREE guide, "Navigating Your Identity: A Guide for Adult Adoptees," and unlock valuable tools and insights to support your self-discovery.

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