Let’s get real for a second. How often do you catch yourself saying things to yourself that you wouldn’t dream of saying to someone else? Maybe it sounds like this: “You’re not good enough.” “You’re too much.” “No one’s ever going to stay.” That relentless voice in your head? Yep, that’s your inner critic. It’s not your cheerleader—it’s your biggest bully.

For adoptees, the inner critic can feel deafening, like it’s shouting through a megaphone. It thrives on deep-rooted fears of rejection, unworthiness, and being unloved. But here’s the truth: that voice doesn’t define you. And guess what? You don’t have to let it run the show.

Let’s dive into how to spot it, understand it, and start silencing it for good.

Who (or What) Is the Inner Critic?

The inner critic is like that annoying backseat driver who thinks they know the best route—except they’re always wrong, and they make you miserable. Psychologists often link it to survival mechanisms. It’s that little part of your brain that tries to keep you safe from hurt by being hyper-vigilant and overly cautious.

As an adoptee, this voice might say things like:
“You’re not good enough to be loved.”
“Your adoptive family is only tolerating you.”
“If you mess up, everyone will leave.”

It’s exhausting, right? And the kicker is, none of it is true.

Where Does It Come From?

Adoption can leave us with lingering wounds that the inner critic loves to exploit. Feeling rejected by a birth parent? Your inner critic sees that as a green light to make you believe it was your fault. Struggling with your sense of belonging? That voice chimes in, insisting you’re always the odd one out.

The inner critic is fueled by past experiences, trauma, and unmet needs. It’s like a misguided protector trying to shield you from future pain by keeping you small and hidden. But you deserve more than small and hidden. You deserve to live boldly and unapologetically.

5 Steps to Quiet the Inner Critic

1. Recognize the Voice
   The first step is noticing when the inner critic starts yapping. Pay attention to the tone of your self-talk. Does it feel harsh, judgmental, or mean? If so, you’ve found your culprit. Write down the common phrases it uses so you can call them out when they appear.

2. Separate Fact from Fiction
   Your inner critic loves to lie. When it says something like, “You’re unlovable,” ask yourself: “Is this true?” Spoiler alert: it’s not. Challenge the narrative by looking for evidence that proves it wrong. (Hint: Your friends, family, and accomplishments are a good place to start.)

3. Name It
   Give your inner critic a name or personality. Maybe it’s Negative Nancy or Judgey Jim. By naming it, you separate it from your true self. When it pipes up, you can say, “Oh, there’s Nancy again. Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.”

4. Practice Self-Compassion
   You’re human, and being human means being imperfect. Instead of beating yourself up for mistakes, practice talking to yourself like you would a close friend. Try this: “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m learning and growing every day.”

5. Rewire Your Brain
   This is where the magic happens. Using techniques like mindfulness, havening, and meditation, you can literally retrain your brain to quiet the inner critic. Spend just a few minutes a day focusing on positive affirmations, breathing deeply, and visualizing your success. Over time, you’ll notice that Nancy (or Jim) doesn’t have much to say anymore.

Why This Matters

The inner critic isn’t who you are. It’s just a voice, and voices can change. By working to quiet that negative chatter, you make space for a kinder, more compassionate inner dialogue. You deserve to look in the mirror and see someone worthy, lovable, and enough—because that’s exactly who you are.

So, the next time your inner critic shows up, remind it who’s boss. You are.

Ready to dive deeper?
If this resonates with you, download my Free PDF 7 Steps to Overcome Adoption Triggers and Thrive. You don’t have to face the inner critic alone. Let’s do this together. Ready to get serious? Schedule your FREE Coaching Session!