When it comes to raising an adopted child, many parents focus on the joy of building a family and the excitement of welcoming their child. But as your child grows, you might notice certain emotional challenges cropping up. These can be confusing and maybe even painful to witness. This is where understanding the 7 core issues of adoption can be a game-changer.

The 7 core issues (originally defined by experts in adoption psychology) include: Loss, Rejection, Guilt and Shame, Grief, Identity, Intimacy, and Control. Each of these can impact adopted children (and adults) in different ways and at different stages of life. Knowing what these issues are and how they can show up in your child’s emotions and behavior is one of the best ways to support them on their journey to emotional health and self-acceptance.

Let’s break down these core issues and look at how they might appear in your child’s daily life.

1. Loss

What it is: Loss is the foundation of all adoption issues. Even if your child doesn’t have specific memories of their birth family, adoption itself represents a loss of that initial connection.

How it might show up: You might notice a sadness or sense of "missing something" that your child can't explain. Sometimes, they might express it by being overly attached to certain objects, people, or routines. For some kids, it may show up as a fear of abandonment—they may worry that you, too, might leave.

2. Rejection

What it is: Rejection often goes hand-in-hand with loss. Even if the adoption story is one of love, children can sometimes internalize the experience as rejection by their birth parents.

How it might show up: Watch for signs of low self-esteem or sensitivity to criticism. Your child might overreact to situations where they feel unwanted or left out. They might struggle in friendships, worrying they’ll be "left behind" or "not chosen."

3. Guilt and Shame

What it is: Many adopted children feel like they’re somehow “at fault” for the circumstances of their birth and adoption, which can lead to feelings of shame.

How it might show up: Self-blame can be subtle. Maybe your child doesn’t believe they’re good enough or feels unworthy of love. You might hear them say things like, “I just can’t do anything right” or “It’s my fault things are this way.” These statements can signal deep-seated guilt or shame that’s hard for them to shake.

4. Grief

What it is: Grief is a natural reaction to the experience of loss. While adoption may bring happiness and new beginnings, there can also be a deep, lingering sadness for the connections and moments that were left behind.

How it might show up: Sometimes grief can look like sadness, but sometimes it shows up as irritability or anger. Kids may not even realize they’re grieving. You might see them struggle with milestones or birthdays, which can feel like reminders of a life “interrupted.” If they seem extra sensitive around family events or holidays, it could be this layer of grief resurfacing.

5. Identity

What it is: Finding a sense of “who I am” can be tricky when a child’s story starts with a separation from their biological family. Identity questions can feel a bit murky for many adopted children.

How it might show up: Kids dealing with identity struggles might seem uncertain about their likes and dislikes or frequently shift how they act around different people. This issue can become especially pronounced during adolescence. Questions like “Where do I belong?” or “Who am I really?” might come up. They may start expressing a desire to know more about their birth family or background.

6. Intimacy

What it is: Intimacy is about forming close relationships, and for adopted children, trust can sometimes be a tricky area due to the foundational issues of loss and rejection.

How it might show up: Your child might have a tough time forming close bonds with others. They may keep friends at arm’s length or seem hesitant to share their feelings. Intimacy issues might also manifest as a “push-pull” dynamic in relationships—they want closeness but fear getting hurt, so they keep a little distance.

7. Control

What it is: Control is a significant issue because adoption is, in its essence, an experience that happens to a child. Some adopted children struggle with a feeling of powerlessness over their own lives.

How it might show up: If your child has control issues, they might have an especially hard time with rules or transitions. They may push back when they feel like their autonomy is threatened. Sometimes, they’ll try to control their environment or routines to regain a sense of security.

How You Can Support Your Child

Each child will experience these issues in their own unique way, and some kids may struggle more with certain areas than others. Here are a few tips that may help you support your child along the way:

1. Validate Their Feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Simply validating their emotions can help them feel understood and less alone in their journey.

2. Encourage Open Conversations: It’s okay to talk about adoption, loss, or even difficult feelings. Creating a safe space where your child feels they can share their thoughts without judgment can be healing.

3. Be Patient with the Process: These issues are lifelong and can resurface at different stages. Some days may feel like breakthroughs, and others might be tough—go with the flow.

4. Get Support if Needed: Don’t hesitate to look for resources, support groups, or professional help. Adoption-sensitive counselors and coaches can be great allies in helping your child navigate these emotions.

5. Celebrate Their Unique Identity: Help your child embrace their whole self. Whether it’s exploring their heritage or connecting with the adoption community, let them know their story is valued.

Final Thoughts

Adoption brings beautiful new beginnings, but it can also carry complex emotions and challenges. The 7 core issues of adoption give us a window into what our children might be experiencing and help us provide the love, support, and understanding they need. By recognizing these issues and being proactive in addressing them, you’re giving your child a powerful gift—the chance to heal, grow, and build a strong sense of self.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and neither is your child. With understanding, patience, and support, you both can navigate the ups and downs of adoption’s unique path. If you would like to find out how we can work together, you can schedule a Free chat. You don’t have to navigate this alone.